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  • #76
    Ma and Pa's Golden Anniversary............
    Their three kids, all successful, agreed to a Sunday dinner
    in their honor.

    "Happy Anniversary Mom and Dad," gushed Son No. 1.
    'Sorry I'm running late. I had an emergency at the hospital

    with a patient, you know how it is, and I didn't have time to get you a gift."

    "Not to worry," said the father. "Important thing is we're

    all together today."

    Son No. 2 arrived. "You and Mom look great. Dad, I just

    flew in from Montreal between depositions and didn't

    have time to shop for you."

    “It’s nothing," said the father. "We're glad you were able

    to come."

    Just then the daughter arrived "Hello and happy anniversary!

    Sorry, but my boss is sending me out of town and I was really

    busy packing so I didn't have time to get you anything."

    After they had finished dessert, the father said, "There's some
    thing your mother and I have wanted to tell you for a long time.
    You see, we were really poor, but we managed to send each of

    you to college.

    Through the years your mother and I knew we loved

    each other very much, but we just never found the

    time to get married."

    The three children gasped and said, "WHAT? You mean

    we're bastards?"

    "Yep," said the father, "Cheap ones, too."

    Last edited by Apple Green Wheels Rule; 04-26-2018, 01:53 PM.
    "Bullshit and Brilliance Comes with Age and Experience"


    • #77
      A Greek and a Scotsman were sitting in a Starbuck's cafe discussing who had the superior culture. Over triple lattes the Greek guy says,

      'Well, we Greeks built the Parthenon,' arching his eyebrows.

      The Scotsman then replies, 'Well... it was the Scots that discovered the Summer and Winter Solstices.'

      The Greek retorts, 'We Greeks gave birth to advanced mathematics.'The Scotsman, nodding in agreement, says, 'Scots were the ones who built the first timepieces and calendars.'

      And so on until the Greek comes up with what he thinks will end the discussion.

      With a flourish of finality he says, 'The Greeks were the ones who invented sex!'

      The Scotsman replies, 'Aye, that is true, but it was we Scots who introduced it to the women

      "Bullshit and Brilliance Comes with Age and Experience"


      • JDupuis
        JDupuis commented
        Editing a comment
        ROFLMAO!!!!!! Jeff

      • pAAt
        pAAt commented
        Editing a comment

    • #78
      Sometimes I just like to have a little fun is all !


      • #79
        One of my uncles sold an old Model A way back when for $50. A guy from town drove out to look at the car. During their discussions the guy asked how much oil the car used. My uncle told him about a quart between changes. The guy said that was great and bought the car. He went home with it and came back to see my uncle the next day. He told my uncle that he had to add 4 qts of oil on his ten mile drive home. My uncle told him that sounded about right, it used a qt between 1st and 2nd gear and another quart between 2nd & 3rd.........


        • #80
          Today's joke is my 1999 Olds. I was asked to check out a friend's Model A generator today, and when I got to his house, I closed my car door and a cup of rust dropped onto his driveway. All I could do is laugh about it. I like the car, and 90% of it looks really nice, but the brake lines, fuel lines, and rocker panels are terrible.


          • Mitch
            Mitch commented
            Editing a comment
            You might see an increase in fuel mileage now

          • SeaSlugs
            SeaSlugs commented
            Editing a comment
            It is a GM car haha. Sounds like when my dad and uncle went to check out a lifelong family friends to them she left my dad her car - 1977 chevy caprice. said it has no rust at all and in great shape. Was in pretty decent shape except when my dad and uncle opened the door a line of rust particles followed the creaking opening door haha. When the closed it it left lines under all doors on the car haha.

        • #81

          The mother-in-law arrives home from shopping to find her son-in-law Paddy in a steaming rage and hurriedly packing his suitcase.

          "What happened Paddy?" she asks anxiously.
          "What happened? I'll tell you what happened! I sent an e-mail to my wife telling her I was coming home today from my fishing trip. I get home and guess what I found?"
          "Yes, your daughter, my wife Jean, naked with my friend Joe Murphy in our marital bed! This is unforgivable, the end of our marriage. I'm done. I'm leaving forever!"
          "Ah now, calm down, calm down Paddy!" says his mother-in-law. There is something very odd going on here. Jean would never do such a thing! "There must be a simple explanation.I'll go speak to her immediately and find out what happened."

          Moments later, the mother-in-law comes back with a big smile.

          "Paddy…..I told you there must be a simple explanation.....she never got your e-mail!"

          "Bullshit and Brilliance Comes with Age and Experience"


          • #82


            • #83
              A chicken farmer went to the local bar. He sat next to a woman and ordered champagne.

              The woman said : "How strange, I also just ordered a glass of champagne."

              "What a coincidence," said the farmer, who added, "It is a special day for me. I am celebrating"

              "It is a special day for me too, I am also celebrating!" said the woman.

              "What a coincidence." said the farmer.

              While they toasted, the farmer asked, "What are you celebrating?"

              "My husband and I have been trying to have a child for years, and today, my gynecologist told me that I was pregnant."

              "What a coincidence," said the man. "I am a chicken farmer and for years all my hens were infertile, but now they are all set to lay fertilized eggs."

              "This is awesome," said the woman. "What did you do for your chickens to become fertile?"

              "I used a different rooster," he said.

              The woman smiled and said, "What a coincidence."


              • #84
                Three friends from the local congregation were asked, "When you're in your casket, and friends and congregation members are mourning over you, what would you like them to say?"

                Artie said, "I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader, and a great family man."

                Eugene commented, "I would like them to say I was a wonderful teacher and servant of God who made a huge difference in people's lives."

                Al said, "I'd like them to say, 'Look, he's moving!'"


                • #85
                  A father buys a lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie.

                  He decides to test it out at dinner one night. The father asks his son what he did that afternoon.

                  The son says, "I did some schoolwork."

                  The robot slaps the son.

                  The son says, "Ok, Ok. I was at a friend's house watching movies."

                  Dad asks, "What movie did you watch?"

                  Son says, "Toy Story."

                  The robot slaps the son again.

                  Son says, "Ok, Ok, we were watching Stormy Daniels movies."

                  Dad says," What? At your age I didn't even know what dirty movies were."

                  The robot slaps the father!

                  Mom laughs and says, "Well, he certainly is your son."

                  The robot slaps the mother.

                  Robot for sale.


                  • #86

                    A hip young man goes out and buys a 2001 Ferrari 360 Spider. It is the best convertible sports car, costing about $250,000. He takes it out for a spin and while stopping for a red light, an old man on a moped, wearing an open face crash helmet (looking about 70 years old) pulls up next
                    to him.
                    The old man looks over the sleek, shiny red surface of the car and asks, “What kind of car ya’ got there, sonny?” The young man replies, “A 2001 Ferrari 360 Spider. They cost about a quarter of a million dollars!”
                    “That’s a lot of money,” says the old man, shocked. “Why does it cost so much?” “Because this car can do over 200 miles an hour!” states the cool dude proudly. The moped driver asks, “Can I take a look inside?” “Sure,” replies the owner.
                    So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Leaning back on his moped, the old man says, “That’s a pretty nice car, all right!”
                    Just then the light changes so the guy decides to show the old man what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds the speedometer reads 220 mph. Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer!
                    He slows down to see what it could be and suddenly, whhhoooossshhh! Something whips by him, going much faster! “What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari?!” the young man asks himself.
                    Then, ahead of him, he sees a dot coming toward him. Whoooooosh! It goes by again, heading the opposite direction! And it almost looked like the old man on the moped!
                    “Couldn’t be,” thinks the guy. “How could a moped outrun a Ferrari?!” Again, he sees a dot in his rear view mirror! Whooooosh Ka-BbblaMMM! The moped plows into the back of his car, demolishing the rear end. The young man jumps out, and it IS the old man!!! Of course, the moped and the old man are hurting for certain. He runs up to the old man and says, “You gotta tell me how you got that thing to be faster than my Ferrari !” The old man looks up and replies, “OK..., but first, unhook my suspenders from your side-view mirror, will ya?”

                    - From, 1/3/2017
                    "We do not stop playing because we grow old;
                    We grow old because we stop playing ...
                    NEVER Be The First To Get Old!" Pilfered from the MAFC SA Newsletter

                    I JUST CAN'T FIX STUPID!!


                    • #87

                      Husband: My wife is missing. She went shopping yesterday and has not come home.

                      Officer: Age?

                      Husband: I'm not sure. Somewhere between 50 and 60. We don't do birthdays.

                      Officer: Height?

                      Husband: I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall.

                      OFFICER : Weight?

                      Husband: Don't know. Not slim, not really fat.

                      OFFICER : Color of eyes?

                      Husband: Sort of brown I think Never really noticed.

                      OFFICER : Color of hair?

                      Husband: Changes a couple times a year. Maybe dark brown now. I can’t remember.

                      OFFICER : What was she wearing?

                      Husband: Could have been pants, or maybe a skirt or shorts. I don't know exactly.

                      OFFICER : What kind of car did she go in?

                      Husband: She went in my truck.

                      OFFICER : What kind of truck was it?

                      Husband : A 2016, manufactured September 16th, pearl white Ram Limited 4X4 with 6.4l Hemi V8 engine ordered with the Ram Box bar and fridge option, led lighting, back up and front camera, Moose hide leather heated and cooled seats, climate controlled air conditioning. It has a custom matching white cover for the bed, Weather Tech floor mats. Trailing package with gold hitch, sunroof, DVD with full GPS navigation, satellite radio, Cobra 75 WX ST 40-channel CB radio, six cup holders, 3 USB port, and 4 power outlets. I added special alloy wheels and off-road Toyo tires. It has custom retracting running boards and under-glow wheel well lighting.

                      At this point the husband started choking up.

                      OFFICER : Take it easy sir,

                      "Bullshit and Brilliance Comes with Age and Experience"


                      • #88
                        My wife and I have been married for quite a few years and my wife asked me recently to get some pills that would make sure I’d be up for some action in the bedroom again.

                        I brought home diet pills. Apparently very much not what she meant!


                        • #89
                          Today's joke is the warning label on Harbor Freight's free blue 27 LED flashlight. The first 2 warnings are:
                          1. Wear ANSI-approved safety goggles during use.
                          2. People with pacemakers should consult their physican(s) before use.


                          • Mitch
                            Mitch commented
                            Editing a comment
                            I wear a hard hat too for when the exploding pieces come back to earth ​​​​​​​

                        • #90
                          Reasons to always wear underwear
                          From the local paper comes this story of a Brisbane couple who drove their car to the shopping centre, only to have it break down in the car park. The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed it.
                          The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car. On closer inspection, she saw a pair of hairy legs protruding from under the chassis. Unfortunately, although the man was in shorts, his lack of under-pants turned his private parts into glaringly public ones. Unable to stand the embarrass-ment, she dutifully stepped forward and quickly put her hand up his shorts, and tucked everything back into place.
                          On regaining her feet she looked across the bonnet and found herself staring at her husband who was standing idly by watch-ing.
                          The AA mechanic however, had to have three stitches in his forehead.
                          - from A Ford Script
                          Canterbury, New Zealand
                          "We do not stop playing because we grow old;
                          We grow old because we stop playing ...
                          NEVER Be The First To Get Old!" Pilfered from the MAFC SA Newsletter

                          I JUST CAN'T FIX STUPID!!


                          • #91
                            Snagged from the Sagebrush Newsletter

                            Lemon Squeeze
                            A religious young woman went to Confession.
                            Upon entering the confessional, she said, 'Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.'
                            The priest said, 'Confess your sins and be forgiven.'
                            The young woman said, 'Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times.'
                            The priest thought long and hard and then said, 'Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice.'
                            The young woman asked, 'Will this cleanse me of my sins?'
                            The priest said, 'No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face.'
                            "We do not stop playing because we grow old;
                            We grow old because we stop playing ...
                            NEVER Be The First To Get Old!" Pilfered from the MAFC SA Newsletter

                            I JUST CAN'T FIX STUPID!!


                            • #92


                              • #93


                                • Mitch
                                  Mitch commented
                                  Editing a comment

                              • #94

                                Here is a snow cone for all of you enduring the hot temps of summer.

                                "Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy." -Ben Franklin


                                • #95
                                  A Boeing 777 wide-body jetliner was lumbering along at 800km/hour at 33000 feet when a cocky F-17 fighter jet flashed by at Mach 2.

                                  The F17 pilot decided to show off. On his state of the art radio that is part of his state of the art 3D & million dollar headset, the F17 youngster told the 777 pilot, “Hey Captain, watch this!”

                                  He promptly went into a barrel roll, followed by a steep, unimaginable, vertical climb. He then finished with a sonic boom as he broke the sound barrier, as the F17 screamed down at impossible G’s before levelling at almost sea level.

                                  The F-17 pilot asked the 777 pilot what he thought of that?

                                  The 777 pilot said, “That was truly impressive, but watch this!”

                                  The 777 chugged along for about 5 minutes at the steady 800km/hour, and then the 777 pilot came back on and said, “What did you think of that?”

                                  Puzzled, the cocky F-17 pilot asked, “What the heck did you do?”

                                  The 777 pilot chuckled and said, "I stood up, stretched my legs, walked to the back, used the toilet, then got a cup of coffee and a cinnamon roll and secured a date for the next 3 nights in a five star hotel paid for by the company"

                                  LESSON OF LIFE:

                                  When you are young and foolish, speed and flash may seem like a good thing!

                                  When you get older and smarter, comfort and dullness is not such a bad thing!

                                  It's called S.O.S.

                                  Slower, Older and Smarter!

                                  Dedicated to all my friends approaching S.O.S


                                  • #96
                                    > Yesterday my daughter e-mailed me, again, asking why I didn’t do something useful with my time. “Like sitting around the pool, drinking wine isn’t a good thing?” I asked. Talking about my “doing something useful” seems to be her favorite topic of conversation.
                                    > She is “only thinking of me,” she said, and suggested, I go down to the Senior Center and hang out with the fellas. So, I did and when I got home, decided to play a prank on her.
                                    > I sent her an e-mail saying that I had joined the Senior Parachute Club.
                                    > She replied, “Are you nuts? You’re 86-years-old and now you’re going to start jumping out of airplanes?”
                                    > I told her that I even had a Membership Card and e-mailed a copy to her.
                                    > Immediately, she telephoned me and yelled, “Good grief, Dad, where are your glasses?! This is a membership to a Prostitute Club, not a Parachute Club.”
                                    > “Oh man, am I in trouble,” I said, “I signed up for five jumps a week!”
                                    > The line went dead.
                                    > Life as a Senior Citizen isn’t getting any easier, but sometimes it can be fun.
                                    "Bullshit and Brilliance Comes with Age and Experience"


                                    • #97
                                      Apple Green Wheels (Ed) offered me a ride in Sarah today. We came to a red light and he speeds up and whips right through it. I started to freak out: "Hey Ed, you're going to get us killed." He replies, "Relax my brother drives like this." We come to another red light and he blazes right through! "Your going to get arrested or get us killed!" "Relax, this is how my brother drives." We come to a green light and he stops Sarah dead, looking both ways. "Ed, it's green, you can go." "Nah man, my brother might be coming the other way."


                                      • #98

                                        Ray and Bob, two government maintenance guys, were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up.

                                        A woman walked by and asked what they were doing.

                                        We’re supposed to find the height of the flagpole,” said Bob, “But we don’t have a ladder.”

                                        The woman said, “Hand me that wrench out of your toolbox.”

                                        She loosened a few bolts, and then laid the pole down.

                                        She then took a tape measure from their toolbox took a measurement and announced, “Eighteen feet, six inches” and walked away.

                                        Ray shook his head and laughed, “Well, ain’t that just like a ‘Miss-know-it-all woman’" he said, “We need the height and she gives us the length!”

                                        Ray and Bob are still working for the government. But now they are senators.

                                        Last edited by Tom Wesenberg; 08-06-2018, 11:42 PM.


                                        • #99
                                          My Last Husband

                                          My 1st Husband was a Musician; all he wanted t do was play with it.

                                          My 2nd Husband was a Doctor; all he wanted to do was examine it.

                                          My 3rd Husband was a Politician; all he wanted to do was make promises to it.

                                          My 4th Husband was a Psychiatrist; all he wanted to do was talk about it.

                                          My 5th Husband was a Photographer; all he wanted to do was take pictures of it.

                                          My 6th Husband was a Policeman; all he wanted to do was keep it under lock and key.

                                          My 7th Husband was a Hair Dresser; all he wanted to do was tease it.

                                          My 8th Husband was a Gourmet Cook; all he wanted to do was taste it.

                                          My 9th Husband and last is the one I'm married to now, I like him the best.
                                          He is a Mechanic, he tore it up the first night and has been working on it ever since.
                                          28 Tudor
                                          57 Tbird
                                          2kMR2 Spyder
                                          62 Willys Pickup

                                          Wise man once told me you don’t know what you don’t know


                                          • To the lady at Costco with her son on a leash: I am sorry that I asked if he was a rescue. The profanity wasn't necessary but thank you for not siccing him on me.


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