Post Your Joke Thread!

[Grit Kid]

4X4 weekend with the guys:::

Mike was attending his 4X4 club's monthly meeting and had just told them he couldn't make the camping trip scheduled for the next day because his wife wouldn't let him go. After listening to the jeers and other derisive remarks from his fellow 4X4 friends Mike left to go back home to his wife. When Mike's friends started arriving to set up camp the next day, who should be there but Mike sitting up in front of his truck, tent up, fishing rod in hand, camp oven roast stewing away in a hot bed of coals.

[Grit Kid]

Different Vacationers::::

3 couples on holiday in Spain around the Hotel breakfast table, An American couple, An English couple and a couple from Glasgow.

The American man says to his wife.. "Pass me the honey, ... Honey!
Not to be outdone, the English man says to his wife "Pass me the sugar, ... Sugar!
and of course the Glaswegian has to keep it going and says to his wife
"Will ye geeze the milk, ..... ye cow"

[Art Ebeling]

Have you though about you and Sara taking that act on the road?

[Mitch]

He is the Mayor of his street and can't leave

[Grit Kid]

OH!!! but I want to!!!!

[Grit Kid]

I had everything planned and had told my wife I would not be going to church with her on Sunday. My wife reminded me that Sunday was the Sabbath Day and hunting a trophy buck should not be part of the Sabbath.

1 I had scouted the area all summer.
2 I searched out the best location for my tree-stand.
3 I set it all up a month ahead of time.
4 I trailed the herd.
5 I picked out a trophy buck.
6 Two days before opening day I rechecked every aspect of the hunt.

7 Everything was in place.

8 Sunday morning, I woke up at 2 am.

9 I put on my camo, loaded my pack, set out for my stand.

10. This was destined to be an "Epic" hunt.

11. As I approached my deer stand, I called my wife and told her I had decided not to hunt on the Sabbath and would meet her at church.









The Sunday sermon was entitled,
"The Lord Works In Mysterious Ways "

























































filedata/fetch?id=39611&d=1554117179&type=thumb

[Mitch]

Hey K--DAD

post some of your great jokes

[Grit Kid]

Don't step on the Ducks !!

Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven.

When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule
here in heaven: don't step on the ducks!"

So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all
over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck and
although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman
accidentally steps on one.

Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw.

St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for
stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly
man!"

The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck
and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing. With him is
another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same
admonishment as for the first woman.

The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be
chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful
where she steps.

She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but
one day St Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever
laid eyes on .... very tall, long eyelashes, muscular and thin.

St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.

The happy woman says, "I wonder what I did to deserve being
chained to you for all of eternity?"

The guy says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a
duck!"

[Mitch]

Knock Knock

[CarlG]

Who's there?

[Mitch]

cow says.

[CarlG]

Cow says who?

[Mitch]

No, a cow says moooooooo!

[CarlG]

filedata/fetch?id=39812&d=1554112436&type=thumb

[Grit Kid]

A balding, white haired “experienced” man walked into a jewelry store Friday evening with a beautiful much younger girl at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $15,000 ring.

The man said, 'No, I'd like to see something more special. Price is immaterial.’

At that statement, the jeweler went to the back room and brought out another ring in a velvet case. 'Here's a stunning ring at only $140,000’ the jeweler said. ‘It’s the famous Azure Blue which belonged to a Maharajah.’





The lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. Seeing this, the old man said,'We'll take it.'



The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the man stated,'By check. I know you’ll need to verify my account with the bank, so I'll write it nowand you can call the bank Monday morning; I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon.'

On Monday morning, the jeweler angrily phoned the old man and said 'Sir...There's no money in that account!’

'’I know,'said the old man...'But let me tell you about my weekend……”

Not All Seniors Are Senile...

[Tom Wesenberg]

A woman and a man are lying in bed next to each other when her phone rings.
She picks up, the man looks over at her and listens.

She is speaking in a cheery voice, "Hi, I'm so glad you called. Really? That's wonderful.
I'm so happy for you. That sounds terrific. Great! Thanks. Okay. Bye."

She hangs up, and the man asks, "Who was that?" "Oh, she replies, "that was my
husband telling me about the great time he's having on his golf trip with you."

[Fixitphil]

I wonder what happen to his Model A???????


Mr. Durood is on his deathbed and he knows the end is near.
His nurse, his wife, his daughter and 2 sons, are with him.
He says to them:

"Paul, I want you to take the Shaughnessy houses."

"Valerie, take the condos over in Coal Harbor and False Creek."

"Mike, I want you to take the offices over in the City Centre."

"Mildred, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings in Point Grey."

The nurse is just blown away by all this, and, as Mr. Durwood slips away, she says, "Mrs. Durwood, your husband must have been such a hard-working man to have accumulated all this property!"

Mildred replies, "Property?...

The Old Fart had a paper route!"

[Grit Kid]

That was a good one...........

[Grit Kid]

The year Santa forgot his glasses........

[Grit Kid]

I've sure gotten old!

I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees, fought prostate

cancer and diabetes. I'm half blind,

can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine,

take 40 different medications that

make me dizzy, winded, and subject to

blackouts. Have bouts with dementia.

Have poor circulation; hardly feel my

hands and feet anymore. Can't remember

if I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends.

But, thank God, I still have my driver's license.

[Mike V. Florida]

This is supposed to be a place for jokes, not about Florida drivers!

[Mitch]

John: I have the perfect son.

George: Does he smoke?

John: No, he doesn’t.

George: Does he drink whiskey?

John: No, he doesn’t.

George: Does he ever come home late?

John: No, he doesn’t.

George: I guess you really do have the perfect son. How old is he?

John: He will be six months old next Wednesday.

[BudP]

CHILI JUDGING CONTEST For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is. They actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time Halloween comes around. It takes up a major portion of the parking lot at the city park. The notes are from an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was visiting from Canada. Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted." Here are the scorecards from the event: Chili 1 - Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili Judge 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick. Judge 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavour. Very mild. Judge 3 -- (Frank) Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy. Chilli 2 - Arthur's Afterburner Chili Judge 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang. Judge 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavour, needs more peppers to be taken seriously. Judge 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face. Chilli 3 - Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili Judge 1 -- Excellent firehouse chilli. Great kick. Needs more beans. Judge 2 -- A beanless chilli, a bit salty, good use of peppers. Judge 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced from all of the beer. Chilli 4 - Bubba's Black Magic Judge 1 -- Black bean chilli with almost no spice. Disappointing. Judge 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chilli. Judge 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-lb. bitch is starting to look HOT...just like this is nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac? Chili 5 - Linda's Legal Lip Remover Judge 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive. Judge 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement. Judge 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chilli had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to! stop screaming. Screw those rednecks. Chili 6 - Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety Judge 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chilli. Good balance of spices and peppers. Judge 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb. Judge 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulphuric flames. I shit myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that slut Sally. She must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone. Chili 7 - Susan's Screaming Sensation Chilli Judge 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers. Judge 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chilli peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am worried about Judge 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably. Judge 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chilli which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava like shit to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach! Chili 8 - Tommy's Toe-Nail Curling Chili Judge 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence. Judge 2 -- This final entry is a good, balance chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge 3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor fella, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili!

[DaWizard]

*typing through the tears* Thanks Bud, I think I broke something laughing so hard

[Terry, NJ]

I haven't laughed that hard it quite a while, Good one!!

[Grit Kid]

The Wise Wisdom of Ed'onis!!!!



1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me the hell alone.

2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and leaky tire.

3. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.

4. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

5. Always remember that you're unique. Just like everyone else.

6. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

7. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

8. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

9. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

10. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

11. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.

12. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

13. Some days you're the bug; some days you're the windshield.

14. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

15. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.

16. A closed mouth gathers no foot.

17. Duct tape is like 'The Force.' It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.

18. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.

19. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.

20. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

21. Never miss a good chance to shut up.

22. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

[pAAt]

[Mitch]

Pat Where is the location of that cliff?

[pAAt]

Maybe we should just switch wives for a while ? That'll show them how good they have it where they're at now !!! or I'll take you "there" on a couples outing and I mean outing ) pAAt

[Terry, NJ]

Sounds great to me! Oh Crap, your'e in Minnesota!

[Grit Kid]

Sounds perfectly OK to me!!!!!!!!! Medical Term Redneck Definition Artery The study of paintings Bacteria Back door to cafeteria Barium What doctors do when patients die Benign What you be, after you be eight Caesarean Section A neighborhood in Rome Cat scan Searching for Kitty Cauterize Made eye contact with her Colic A sheep dog Coma A punctuation mark Dilate To live long Enema Not a friend Fester Quicker than someone else Fibula A small lie Impotent Distinguished, well known Labor Pain Getting hurt at work Medical Staff A Doctor's cane Morbid A higher offer Nitrates Rates of Pay for Working at Night; Normally more money than Days Node I knew it Outpatient A person who has fainted Pelvis Second cousin to Elvis Post Operative A letter carrier Recovery Room Place to do upholstery Rectum Nearly killed him Secretion Hiding something Seizure Roman Emperor Tablet A small table Terminal Illness Getting sick at the airport Tumor One plus one more Urine Opposite of you're out

[Grit Kid]

Squirrel Problems


The Presbyterian church called a meeting to decide what to do about their squirrels. After much prayer and consideration, they concluded the squirrels were predestined to be there and they shouldn't interfere with God's divine will.

At the Baptist church the squirrels had taken an interest in the
baptistery. The deacons met and decided to put a water slide on the baptistery and let the squirrels drown themselves. The squirrels liked the slide and, unfortunately, knew instinctively how to swim so twice as many squirrels showed up the following week.

The Methodist church decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God's creatures. So, they humanely trapped their squirrels and set them free near the Baptist Church. Two weeks later the squirrels were back when the Baptists took down the water slide.

But the Catholic Church came up with a very creative strategy. They baptized all the squirrels and consecrated them as members of the church. Now they only see them on Christmas and Easter.

Not much was heard from the Jewish synagogue; they took the first
squirrel and circumcised him. They haven't seen a squirrel since.

[Terry, NJ]

Maybe the Moyle was nearsighted?

[BudP]

I was a teen in the 1950's growing up in northern Wisconsin. At that time if you were 18 you could legally drink beer. You had to be 21 to drink hard alcohol. This resulted in two types of bars-taverns in town that served food and drink, mostly for families in the early evening, and teen bars just outside the town limits (beyond the jurisdiction of city cops) that served beer. This meant, of course, if you were big enough or had big friends who looked or were 18, you could get into these bars and buy a 15 cent glass of beer or have your friend buy it. Buddy Holly or Chuck Berry would be playing on the juke box and we sat around talking about girls, the Green Bay Packers, cars and how strong somebody's old man was. We also told jokes. This is one such joke that I remember and it's still funny to me in a juvenile sort of way:

This old farmer was driving down the road and met a car coming the other way.

Although there was room to pass side-by-side easily, the old farmer forced the oncoming car to slow down and wound down his window and shouted 'Pig'.

Astonished, the other driver looked in his rear view mirror, gave the farmer the finger and swore at him.

Then his car hit the pig.

[aford193031]

The Texas legislator is considering a ban on round bails of hay.

After several universities did a study of cattle nutrition.

They found the cows were not getting a square meal.

[Mike V. Florida]

The friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds.

Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought this was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not.

He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him.

So the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop.

Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that: Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.

[Mike V. Florida]

A Farmer had three female pigs. He wanted to raise pigs by having them mated so he will have lots of little piggies to sell.

So the next morning at the crack of the dawn, the farmer with the female pigs gets up, puts the pigs into an old station wagon and drives them to a neighbors farm. He introduces them to the male pig and goes into the house with his friend to leave the pigs to do what pigs do.

"How will I know if they are pregnant", enquires the first farmer.

"Easily replies the other, when you get up, look at the pigs and if they are rolling in mud, they are pregnant. If they are eating grass they aren't so you will have to come back."

Next morning comes and the farmer dashes to the window And the pigs are happily eating grass in the field.

"Damn", he says going downstairs. He grabs the pigs and puts them in the old station wagon again and drives them to the other farm. He puts them with male pig and goes into the house with his friend once again.

This goes on all week with no success. The first farmer complains that he is getting nothing done on his farm.

So on the Sunday morning the farmer unable to look outside, asks this wife to look out the window and tell him what the pigs are doing "Are they eating grass?" he asks

"No", says the wife.

Excited he asks, "Are they rolling in the mud?"

"No", says the wife.

"What the hell are they doing then" he cries.

"I don't know but two are in the back seat and one is in the front blowing the horn"

[BNCHIEF]

I heard this the other day a guy was arguing with his wife about why women are smarter she said because women can multi-task so I said fine shut up and sit down she could do neither which me I won the argument.

[BudP]

cold.jpg

[DaWizard]

Now, that there's funny!!

[Grit Kid]

Good one........

[Mitch]

I don’t get it . :rolling

[BNCHIEF]

Maybe if you had the guy at autozone plug his codefinder in and see if that helps.

[Grit Kid]

Excellent!!!

[BudP]

Yesterday I was at Costco buying a bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet, Owen the Wonder Dog, and was in the check-out line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

What did she think I had an elephant?

So because I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse, I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again.

I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a Perfect Diet and the way that it works is, to load your pants pockets with Purina Nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete, (certified), so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)

Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care, because the dog food poisoned me.

I told her no, I had stopped to pee on a fire hydrant and a car hit me.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.

Costco won't let me shop there anymore.

[BNCHIEF]

Bud i am ROFLMAO THAT IS SO FUNNY .